perspective

dress: old navy (worn here)

The other day I was walking into Target and walked passed someone who looked at my belly, which seems to be happening more and more these days as it's kind of hard to miss.  
I wondered what this woman thought when she saw me and was reminded how I used to feel when I walked by pregnant woman.  I'd see their bellies and long for that to be me.  I'd think that they had no idea how lucky they were to be pregnant.  They had no idea what a gift it was to be having a baby. That I was trying so hard and going through so much to be pregnant and that I deserved to have a baby.  
It kind of makes me want to wear a sign now that says "I know how lucky I am and want this baby more than anything."
It made me think about what other people's signs may say.  I think of some of my friends who have gone through some incredibly hard times.  I think of how people may treat them differently if they knew what they had been or were going through. 
I think about how there has to be people that I walk passed that just lost a love one, are dealing with health issues, infertility, broken relationships or even just a really terrible day.  
I think of how easy it is to judge others when we walk by them.  To look at things they have or don't have and feel as though you deserve it more or you would handle it differently.  
It was a reminder that I don't know others' stories.  I don't know their brokenness or their hopes.  I don't know what they are dealing with on a daily basis.  I don't know what their sign would say. 
It was a reminder to smile at others.  To remember that everyone is dealing with their own battles.  To treat them with love.  And to be so thankful for the blessings that God has given me. 

and there were tears

My sister sent me this video back in March and I watched it and got all teary eyed thinking about becoming a mom.  I saved it and am so glad I did, although this time it produced not just teary eyes but a full streams of tears.  
Lately I have been overcome with so many emotions as our due date gets closer.  I am beyond excited to meet our baby girl and can't even wait to hold her and start our life as a family of three.  
But I am also scared.  Scared of labor, of her being born healthy.  Scared of not knowing what we are doing and the responsibility of taking care of this tiny baby.  Scared that I already love her so much and I haven't even met her.  It scares me to think of how much more I'll love her when she's here, which makes me scared to think of anything ever happening to her. 
This video was such a great reminder that I am far from alone.  A reminder to just breathe and take it day by day.  A reminder that it's okay to be scared and to not know what to expect.   I also remind myself that God loves our baby girl more than I do and is always in control.  


Linking up to: random wednesday

Giving In

 tee: shade clothing maternity     pants: walmart     scarf: gap

First thing:  I don't want this post to sound like I answered the interview question: "What is your weakness?" with "I just don't know when to stop working," or "I love the kids too much and take my work home with me."  Because I truly do this to a fault and will hopefully communicate what I am trying to work on. 
I have a very hard time giving into things.  I've always been really stubborn and disciplined and I think that can be a good thing and has.  A good thing when training for a marathon or working really hard at my job.  A good thing with exercising daily and working on the relationships around me. 
But a really poor thing when I try to control everything.  
This pregnancy has challenged me with a whole new level of giving in and it's starting to give me anxiety because I'm not doing it.  Even with little things like giving myself a break with not stressing out about what I eat, how often I'm not exercising and how much weight I'm gaining.  I need to give in to what my body needs to do, and do so with an attitude that this is what I need to do and to be content with it.  

But on a greater note I'm feeling less in control of the future than I ever have.  I don't know what it will look like to be a mom.  I don't have the answers of how Chris and I are going to adapt well and quickly to parenthood.  I don't know the exact time I'm going to go back to work, or how insurance is going to work out.  I can't control how much money Chris makes in his business.  
I'm failing quite miserably at giving in to a future that I can not control.  You may think that I would have learned this already, as I've written multiple posts about giving God control.  But here I am today filled with anxiety about what our future will look like.  My stubbornness and desire for everything to be in order are making me fearful and emotional.  
So I am working on giving in to my body, my relationship with Chris, our finances and our future changing.  Handing over my stubbornness and control and having confidence that God will take care of it.  

Eight Years

shirt: target clearance ($4)   skirt: target    bracelet: made by me

(It's a lucky coincidence I'm wearing a shirt that says love on it for today's post!)
Today Chris and I celebrate our eight year anniversary.  Over 13 years of being together.  Some days I feel like I can't believe it's been eight years and then others I can't imagine not being married.  I don't too often write whole posts about Chris and am feeling slightly guilty that when I do they often include his annoying habits.  But the truth is I fully believe that I am one of the luckiest woman in the world to be blessed with such an amazing husband.  One of my favorite things about Chris is that I never doubt that he loves me.  He not only tells me all the time, but I know it's so clear to others that he loves me.  There's been so many times I've met someone he worked with or a friend who tells me right away how much Chris loves and talks about me.  Another one of my favorite things is Chris' ability to communicate.   I appreciate that he always wants work out any issues we have and talk about anything important to me, little or big.  He's always been able to communicate his feelings, which means he's shared tears with me during our struggles, as well as tears during our joys too.  We have both changed quite a bit since we've been married and I am so proud of the man that he has become.  I couldn't be more excited to watch him become a dad in two months.  I'm so thankful for the last eight years of marriage that we've had to work on our relationship with just the two of us, and am beyond excited and ready for this next phase of life together!  

Glimpses

 

jacket: kohls      top: forever 21   jeans: ross maternity   flats: rue 21

These last few days have been quite emotional for me as I've watched my mom go through heart surgery and recovery, and seeing my dad stay right by her worried, taking care of her.  I've been emotional thinking about last Mother's Day and the fear and emotions that came with longing to be able to celebrate and then the reality and overwhelming joy that this Mother's Day I can celebrate.   
I looked at my calendar the other week and had May 9th circled.  I hadn't thought too much about that date since becoming pregnant, but know that date would have been often in my mind if I wasn't having this baby.  May 9th would have been our baby's due date if I hadn't had an early miscarriage in August.  I think about last Mother's Day or the weeks around last August and while I trusted that God had a plan, I had no idea why he was making us wait.  
As we prepare for this baby I've had glimpses of this timing being perfect.  I know we would've figured it out, but I can't imagine if I was having a baby this weekend, the same weekend my mom was having open heart surgery.  I think about Chris' business and how he wouldn't have started it if we had a baby a year ago.  

During our struggles and pain I know I had hope that one day I would understand God's plan and why he chose this path for us, and I think I am seeing glimpses of it with the timing of things and the lessons I've learned and the person I've become.  With that being said, I've also realized that I may never fully understand why God allowed us to go through that period of pain and suffering.  I just have to trust that He knows exactly what He is doing and have faith that His plan is so much more perfect than mine. 
I feel like these small glimpses are God's way of saying to me "I knew exactly what I was doing.  Continue to trust that I will give you what you need not a day early or a day late."  

Time

dress: old navy  ($7)     necklace:  ebay  

This last weekend we went to the same place in Wisconsin where we spent this weekend in October.  That weekend in October was wonderful but it was also filled with lots of emotions, as it was the start of our final round of fertility treatments for awhile. 

The days that we were there were the start of a new round of shots and hormones and all the emotions that came with it.  Fear, anxiety, excitement, and hope.  

One morning this weekend I stood in the bathroom getting ready, thinking how 7 months before I was giving myself a shot, praying that this would be the time that would give us our baby.   There was something surreal about being in that same place 7 months later with a healthy baby growing inside of me. 

I know many trials aren't entirely healed by time, but this one thankfully was.  Time passed and here we are two months away from meeting our sweet baby girl.  What a difference those 7 months makes and what a different place I am in now.  

Praising God for giving me this baby, for allowing time to heal my heart and for reminding me to trust in God's perfect timing.   

Real Community

dress: target   necklace: groopdealz   boots: dsw  

I read a lot about the blogging community and have loved others I've met and do feel like it has been and will continue to be a blessing.  BUT it cannot compare to real life community. 
I've been thinking a lot about the blessings that come from being in a community with others, as I have been feeling very blessed and encouraged lately by those who have prayed for us the last two years and are already in love with our daughter. It made me so grateful that I was in a relationship with so many others, whether my small group, my girls' night group or friends at school, throughout our whole struggle. 
There were a lot of times during those two years that I had a hard time being around others.  Each of my different social groups (church, school, friends) were all in the young kids, pregnant, baby phase and there were many times when it was a struggle to be around them, as it was a constant reminder of what I didn't have but so badly wanted.  
I remember a few times telling Chris I just wanted to move away and it just be the two of us, as that seemed easier.  For you it may not be a baby, but maybe others around you have a house you want, a job you're wishing for or a season free of life's trials.  Whatever it is, I think it's easy to want to be by yourself and distance yourself from others, as you feel like they have no idea what you are going through. Which is probably true.  But there is no way others can pray for you, encourage you and help if you don't let them in to what you are going through.  

This is not to say that I don't think it is wise and necessary to say no to things and take some breaks from things sometimes, as I did.  But I'm thankful that I had friends and family that were invested in praying for me and encouraging me, as I can't imagine going through life's struggles without real community.  And it makes going through life's joys even better!
I'm so thankful to be surrounded by real community during our struggles and to be continued to be surrounded by community during our celebrations.  

Second Guessing

sweater: kohls    dress: c/o sugarlips    leggings: jcpenney   boots: dsw 

I've always been a sensitive person and have a hard time not over thinking things.  As I've grown older I have become more confident but still find myself with plenty of insecurities.  
In the last few weeks I feel as though my sensitivities and insecurities have been increased.  Someone can say something that should not come across offensive and I've cried.  Something can happen at work that is nothing to get stressed about and I feel inadequate or overwhelmed.  
I find myself over thinking things or feeling insecure about something I may have said or worrying more about how people perceive me.  
I'm sure you can chalk some of this up to being pregnant and all the changes that are happening physically, emotionally, thinking about our future, etc. 

But I have to say one downfall of having a blog, pregnant or not, as been the extra insecurities or over thinking that I do now.  There are many times after I post something, ranging from serious to even funny (mostly because it is probably only funny to me and my sister) that I wonder if I should have written that differently, posted that picture, think about what others will think and worry about how others may view me. 
Lately with lots of talk on other blogs about how people run their blogs, post outfits, handle sponsors, all that - it is starting to stress me out!  I hadn't worried too much in the past about these things and am finding myself getting overwhelmed with them.  I'm not sure if it is the extra pregnancy hormones and emotions or just that I've had a blog long enough now it's all crossing my mind. 
Whatever it is I am not a fan.  I need to remind myself that I am writing about, wearing and sharing what I want to, what is a reflection of me and I just need to be confident in who I am.  I am working on finding a balance between caring about what I write and put out there, but not letting it consume too much of my thoughts and time.  
So far this blog has been fun for me, is a source of encouragement, and something I really enjoy and I want to keep it that way.  So here's to continually working on throwing away insecurities and working on finding balance.  
And yes I did take a picture in the snow today.  I am pretending that it isn't snowing at the end of March. 

Our story

The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey though infertility, seems surreal to me.  There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.

There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.

There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful.

But I don't think that it is one or the other.

The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person.  A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans.  But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before.

All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that.

Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant.  There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical.  Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby."  For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men.  Far from anything romantic or personal.

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me.  A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends.  The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful.  Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF.  It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.

I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process.  As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked.  While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband.

I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon.  As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining.  And how I can't imagine doing it again.  The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again.  It all was worth it.



I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there.  But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it.

I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story.  I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby.  But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here.  I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.

The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing.  Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.

I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here.  However it may be that brought us to this point.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:27

Old and New

It feels a little strange to post about these two things in the same post.  Something so exciting and something really sad too.   

My grandpa passed away last weekend.  This last year Chris and I have gone through losing four grandparents and while they have all been really hard, they haven't all been quite as painful.  My grandpa was 93 years old.  He lived a healthy life, was married to my grandma for 62 years and lived in the same house in California that he bought for $10,000 when they got married.  He wasn't really sick or in pain, but for the last few years was ready, as he ability to do things independently continued to decrease. 

My mom had prayed that he would die before he got sick or started losing his memory and would go quickly and painlessly and that is what happened.  

The day I found out my grandpa had died I had just heard my baby's heartbeat. It was this strange realization that God gives new life and takes life too, as he brought my Grandpa home to heaven and was allowing me to experience the miracle of being pregnant. But something about that is kind of beautiful to me.  Celebrating the 93 years my Grandpa was here, and thinking about bringing this new life into the world.  

I am off to California tomorrow with my family to go to my Grandpa's funeral.  While for a sad reason, I am looking forward to loving on my Grandma, seeing my other relatives and celebrating and honoring my Grandpa's life.  

I hope you have a wonderful weekend. 

Not for a Moment

"Tears are falling, hearts are breaking, how we need to hear from God. You've been promised, we've been waiting. Welcome Holy Child. Welcome Holy Child."

My heart is heavy today as I think of all the families and people in Connecticut.  And thinking of them daily trying to sort through this terrible nightmare.  

And then my thoughts have been consumed with the events of this last year.

It has been a rough year and a year filled with heart ache for so many of our friends and family.

This year I watched a best friend go through finding out her mom has breast cancer, and then surgery and treatments.

Another good friend find out her dad has advanced brain cancer. 

I've experienced Chris and I's immediate family lose 3 grandparents. 

Chris and I have gone through so many hard trials through our infertility journey.  

My sister was diagnosed with Lyme's disease and was really sick for many months. 

This last year I've watched a good friend lose her dad suddenly. 

Another close friend go through a tragic and painful loss of her baby far along in her pregnancy.

It's crazy to me how Chris and I had been married for over six years and had really dealt with no major heartbreaks or trials like this.   And then looking back on this last year it feels like they kept on coming.  This year I've watched my friends grieve things that I feel should not happen to anyone.  

Sometimes it is hard to not walk around thinking about how sad and hard life is.  And how so many people are hurting.  And that sometimes life seems unfair.  I know it's hard for some to question where God is in all of this and how this can all be part of His plan. 

We sang this song in church on Sunday and I've been listening to it and reading the words over and over.  

Clinging to the truth that God will never forsake us.

You were reaching through the storm, walking on the water,
Even when I could not see.
In the middle of it all, when I thought you were a thousand miles away.
Not for a moment, did You forsake me.

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

You were singing in the dark, whispering Your promise.
Even when I could not hear.
I was held in Your arms, carried for a thousand miles to show,
Not for a moment did You forsake me.

And every step, every breath You are there.
Every tear, every cry, every breath.
In my hurt, at my worst, when my world falls down.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

Even in the dark, even when it’s hard
You will never leave me
After all

After all, You are constant.
After all, You are only good.
After all, You are sovereign.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.
Not for a moment, will You forsake me.

The world is full of terrible things.  Hard trials.  Unbearable pain. 

But God is present and is there. 

I know that there are seasons in your life.

Seasons of joy and happiness and seasons of pain and heartbreak.

I'm thankful for such a long season of joy that Chris and I have had for most our marriage and am excited for that to happen again because I know it will.  

And I know it will for my friends that are hurting.  And for the people in Connecticut.   

We can't understand why things like this happen and that's where faith comes in.
Faith in a God that has a plan.
In a Heaven that is free from pain.
And in a God that will never forsake us.  Not for a moment.

*Thank you Cassidy for letting me share your beautiful voice.  I've listened to you sing it countless times in the last few days.