I was a runner

dress: old navy   belt: target   shoes: dsw 

I've considered myself a runner for at least the last 8 years or so.  I have finished a few marathons, half marathons and other races.  But a week or so ago my confidence in my ability to still be a "runner" was a little shattered.  

I had every intention of being one of those pregnant woman that run up until they are due.  Well that quickly went out the window when I was on bed rest for a big chunk of the beginning of my pregnancy, then too scared to be running and then too late to start running while pregnant.  So I've stuck to walking. 

I was walking outside the other day and a bee flew in my hair.  Which I think will always make me run.  I ran probably 5 yards.  You would have thought I ran at least a mile.  Running with this belly was a complete change in my sense of gravity and I immediately felt like I was front heavy, carrying another person.  Oh wait I guess I am.  But a very very small person. 

I was out of breathe, hot, tired and then also slightly concerned.  

It's hard to imagine getting back into running shape and becoming a runner again. But I sure plan on working on it in the Fall.  

On a different note this may be my favorite maternity outfit so far.  I got this dress this Winter at Old Navy for less than $5.  It's not a maternity dress, just extra baggy! 

Giving In

 tee: shade clothing maternity     pants: walmart     scarf: gap

First thing:  I don't want this post to sound like I answered the interview question: "What is your weakness?" with "I just don't know when to stop working," or "I love the kids too much and take my work home with me."  Because I truly do this to a fault and will hopefully communicate what I am trying to work on. 
I have a very hard time giving into things.  I've always been really stubborn and disciplined and I think that can be a good thing and has.  A good thing when training for a marathon or working really hard at my job.  A good thing with exercising daily and working on the relationships around me. 
But a really poor thing when I try to control everything.  
This pregnancy has challenged me with a whole new level of giving in and it's starting to give me anxiety because I'm not doing it.  Even with little things like giving myself a break with not stressing out about what I eat, how often I'm not exercising and how much weight I'm gaining.  I need to give in to what my body needs to do, and do so with an attitude that this is what I need to do and to be content with it.  

But on a greater note I'm feeling less in control of the future than I ever have.  I don't know what it will look like to be a mom.  I don't have the answers of how Chris and I are going to adapt well and quickly to parenthood.  I don't know the exact time I'm going to go back to work, or how insurance is going to work out.  I can't control how much money Chris makes in his business.  
I'm failing quite miserably at giving in to a future that I can not control.  You may think that I would have learned this already, as I've written multiple posts about giving God control.  But here I am today filled with anxiety about what our future will look like.  My stubbornness and desire for everything to be in order are making me fearful and emotional.  
So I am working on giving in to my body, my relationship with Chris, our finances and our future changing.  Handing over my stubbornness and control and having confidence that God will take care of it.  

I don't understand

skirt:  tjmaxx   tank: shadeclothing  maternity   vest: loft    necklace: groopdealz 

I don't understand how I'm supposed to sleep comfortably in my bed after finding a tick crawling on me the other night while in bed, and then another one on our wall the next day.   And I don't understand why I felt the need to take a picture of it and share it with you.  I'm sorry.  It really it too disgusting.  

I don't understand why my belly has started growing sideways instead of straight out.  Isn't that the wrong way? I don't understand why last week I lost more than a handful of followers and how to not let that bother me a little.I don't understand how I am supposed to have energy after school when it is in the upper 80's outside and I'm in an non air conditioned classroom with 21 sweaty, restless kids who are ready for summer, with a pregnant belly that makes me even more sweaty and tired.  I don't understand why all shows end in May.  I would much prefer 90210, Modern Family and Parks and Recreation to continue throughout the summer. Speaking of tv shows, I don't understand why Netflix sucks me in with the first two seasons of shows like Sister Wives and Hart of Dixie, but doesn't have the rest of the seasons available.  I don't understand why my sister has to go back to Vermont after visiting this weekend.  Wishing she could stay!and I don't understand why I forgot to pick a winner for the Target giftcard giveaway.  Congratulations to Deborah Rose!  Email me at katiejvale@yahoo.com and Lindsay and I will get you your prize.