Time

dress: old navy  ($7)     necklace:  ebay  

This last weekend we went to the same place in Wisconsin where we spent this weekend in October.  That weekend in October was wonderful but it was also filled with lots of emotions, as it was the start of our final round of fertility treatments for awhile. 

The days that we were there were the start of a new round of shots and hormones and all the emotions that came with it.  Fear, anxiety, excitement, and hope.  

One morning this weekend I stood in the bathroom getting ready, thinking how 7 months before I was giving myself a shot, praying that this would be the time that would give us our baby.   There was something surreal about being in that same place 7 months later with a healthy baby growing inside of me. 

I know many trials aren't entirely healed by time, but this one thankfully was.  Time passed and here we are two months away from meeting our sweet baby girl.  What a difference those 7 months makes and what a different place I am in now.  

Praising God for giving me this baby, for allowing time to heal my heart and for reminding me to trust in God's perfect timing.   

Our story

The fact that I am writing this story, reflecting on our journey though infertility, seems surreal to me.  There are many days that I still can't believe that I have a baby growing inside of me, which is something that I truly feared would never happen.

There is a part of me that wants to count the amount of doctor's appointments, shots, patches, medicine, tears, phone calls, ultrasounds, and tests I've had to get me to this point.

There is another part of me that wants to forget that all happened, as it was so hard and painful.

But I don't think that it is one or the other.

The journey we went on to get to this point has shaped me into a different person.  A person with more sympathy and wisdom, a person with a closer relationship with God and a better understanding of giving up our own plans.  But it has also made me more broken, cautious and guarded than I was before.

All these things though, I know will make me a better mother, wife, and friend and I am thankful for that.

Sometimes it's hard for me to think about what we had to go through to get pregnant.  There were so many times where it felt so scientific and medical.  Going to a hospital, being surrounded by doctors, monitored as if I was undergoing some abnormal procedure, when so many get to just "make a baby."  For me it involved weeks and weeks of preparation and monitoring, then laying on a hospital bed, surrounded by five men.  Far from anything romantic or personal.

Sometimes it's hard to not feel like so much of a normal pregnancy was taken from me.  A normal way to get pregnant, to find out your pregnant, to tell your family and friends.  The journey it took to get here seemed long, hard, draining and painful.  Two years of waiting, months of hormone pills, two failed IUI's, and three rounds of IVF.  It took a huge toll on my body psychically and emotionally.

I recently found a blogger who shares about her infertility struggles and recently wrote about going into the journey of IVF with a mindset to enjoy the process.  As well as how thankful she was for medicine and doctors that would allow her to get pregnant.  I can honestly say that I am thankful for medicine and IVF and doctors, but truthfully the only thing I enjoyed about the actual process was that it eventually worked.  While thankful, there isn't anything I enjoyed about the shots, appointments, emotions and process. I am however thankful for the lessons that God taught me and the ways it strengthened my relationship with God and with my husband.

I imagine it being compared to the training and running I did for the marathon.  As I was running it, I'd say over and over how hard it was, time consuming and draining.  And how I can't imagine doing it again.  The second I crossed the finish line, just about everything hard and painful left my mind, and I was left with this amazing feeling of accomplishment and signed up to do it again.  It all was worth it.



I certainly know that a baby is far more of an accomplishment, as well as the journey far more painful and draining to get there.  But I imagine that when I hold my baby in July, or even the times now when I hear the heartbeat or see his/her precious self on an ultrasound, the pain and hardships immediately seem every minute worth it.

I think that our journey through infertility will always be a part of me, a part of our story and a part of our baby's story.  I can imagine how much each mother loves their child when they're pregnant, and I can't even image the love that will come when I met my baby.  But I feel as though I have loved this baby for two years before I knew it was here.  I prayed daily for this baby, sacrificed for this baby and thought about this baby for such a long time.

The bottom line is that God was going to give us a baby in His perfect timing.  Past our own doings, or what our doctor, medicine and science could control.

I think about my baby by the minute and couldn't be more thankful that my time is here.  However it may be that brought us to this point.

“I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” -1 Samuel 1:27

We're having a baby!

 It's been a rough start, but I am SO excited to be able to share with you . . .

I feel more excited to share this news with you than some I've been able to tell in person, as the friendships, support, and encouragement I've made through this blog during our infertility struggle has honestly been a bigger blessing then I could have ever imagined.  

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers as I've shared my heart through disappointments, struggles and hope for this baby that we've prayed for daily these last two years.  

There are still many times that I feel nervous about the future and feel like this isn't real, but I am believing that I will get to hold our sweet baby in July.  

I've been doing a lot of praying, thinking, and continually working on giving things over to God as we had some scary complications during the first two months.  God is teaching me over and over that He is the only one that is in control.  We're daily praying for God's continued protection of our little baby that I feel like I've loved for WAY longer than the last 12 weeks.

Thank you again for your prayers.  They have been so comforting and are appreciated more than you know.

In the Moment

 

dress: old navy   tights: kohls  boots: target 

One of my favorite things about Chris is that he lives in the moment.

He knows how to enjoy what he is doing.

If he is eating a meal, there is a really good chance that it is "the best meal he's ever had."

If he is watching a movie there is a good possibility it is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

If he is enjoying a dessert, there's a good chance it is the "best dessert he's ever tasted."

If we're going out of town for a weekend he counts on it being the best vacation he's ever had.

I feel as though I fail to live in the moment and am always looking ahead to what is next.
In daily little things or big life things.

Lately I've felt like my life is just standing still as I watch my friends get pregnant and have babies.
As if everyone else gets to run into their next phase of life and I'm not even crawling into it.
I am stuck here waiting for it to be my turn.

I had mentioned this book in an earlier post and wanted to share something else that really challenged me. 

"My life is passing, day by day, and I am waiting for it to start. I am waiting for that time, that person, that event when my life will finally begin."

This is me. On so many days.  Just waiting for God to give me what I've been asking for, for so long.

"Today is your big moment. The life you've been waiting for is happening all around you.  Your life, right now, today, is exploding with energy and power and detail and dimension.  You have stories worth telling, memories worth remembering, dreams worth working toward, a body worth feeding, a soul worth tending, and beyond that, the God of the universe dwells within you."

"You are more than dust and bones.
You are spirit and power and image of God.
And you have been given Today."

So I'm working on living in these moments, taking advantage of the today that God has given me.  

Sunday Style  Monday Mingle
YOLO

Blessings and Curses

jacket: old navy (similar)   shirt: tjmaxx (similar)  tee: target  

Do you ever read something insightful, hear good advice or encouragement and kind of wish you didn't hear it because you know it applies directly to you? 

Because sometimes it is really hard to believe and live out that advice. 

That is how I've been feeling after I read the book Cold Tangerines by Shauna Niequiest. 

I had read this book awhile ago and wanted to read it again, as I felt like it would be applicable during this stage in my life.  And I was right. 

In a chapter about blessings and curses, Shauna writes about a friend's hardships and how it seemed like God was being cruel that year, but how she knew that he was not. 

"What I know now is that his (God's) kindness burns through the deepest betrayals and invites life from death every chance we let him.  There are things the explode into our lives and we call them curses, and then one day, a year later or ten years later, we realize that they are actually something else.  They are the most precious kinds of blessings." 

I find myself many mornings having a mini pity party for myself as I have started a new round of fertility treatments. 

My mornings involve lots of different medicines and my breaks at school involve insurance phone calls and dr. appointments, my blog rolls and facebook feeds are filled with pregnancy updates and announcements and my thoughts are constantly filled with anxiousness and uncertainty for the future. 

There are many days I look at this current place I'm in and feel as though it isn't fair.  

And it is easier to be upset and annoyed at this place where God has me.  

But I have a choice daily. 

". . . but more often than not, there is something just past the heartbreak, just past the curse, just past the despair and that thing is beautiful.  You don't want it to be beautiful, at first. You want to stay in the pain and the blackness because it feels familiar, and because you're not done feeling victimized and smashed up.  But one day you'll wake up surprised and humbled, staring at something you thought for sure was a curse and has revealed itself to be a blessing - a beautiful, delicate, blessing." 

While I can see some blessings that have come from this trial, I have yet to see this season of our life as beautiful, but I am waiting.  I know some day I will get there and that gives me hope. 

While I fail all the time, I am working on this daily. 

 Daily choosing to accept this place where God has me, and daily searching for the blessings in all this.  

Holding on . . .

dress: kohls ($3 clearance)  bracelet: made by me  boots: kohls (on sale!) 

After each failed fertility treatment we've had, I've learned something new from it.

One of the things I'm learning is that I want to approach our next attempt differently.

This time I want to not hold on to all the "what ifs" and try to enjoy the other things in my life. 

At the beginning of summer I tried on a pair of bright yellow pants at the Gap.  They were $10 but I didn't buy them because they were a little tight and I was convinced I'd be pregnant soon so they wouldn't fit for long.

I didn't sign up for a handful of races this summer and fall that I had wanted to do, because I thought I'd be pregnant.

While these things are little, not only do I grieve a failed cycle ,

but also the things I feel like I missed out on.  Even if they are a $10 pair of pants.

(which embarrassingly I've thought about many times)

While some things have to be put on hold while we go through a cycle, some things don't.

When some friends at school asked if I wanted to sign up for a gym membership so we could take different classes together, my first response was going to be no.

What a waste of money if I only do it for one or two months and then have to cancel?

Then I thought about it and signed up.

I don't want to put everything on hold as we sit and wait for this part of our life to happen.

Worse case scenario, I lose a little money on a month's membership, don't get to participate in a race I paid for, or only get to wear a pair of pants a few times.

It's so easy to let this consume every aspect of my life and I don't want it to anymore. 

So today I'm working on letting go of planning all aspects of my life and taking advantage of what I can enjoy now.

Like being able to wear my fringe boots and $3 clearance dress.

call me blessed   ONYT

Sometimes . . . .

 dress: Target   wedges: shoe outlet store

Sometimes I forget about things in my closet, like this dress I found on the Target clearance rack years ago and maybe wore once.

Sometimes I feel like my job is too much pressure. 

Being responsible for 22 students to teach them, encourage them and make them each feel important is a hard job.  

Sometimes I have a really hard time looking at pictures of people's babies and not getting a sick feeling of jealousy in my heart. 

Sometimes I wish I was training for a marathon.  That is one of the proudest I've ever been of myself.

Sometimes I feel guilty for being sad about not having a baby, when I know there are so many blessings in my life. 

Sometimes I so strongly hate the dentist and my teeth that I wish I had a mouth full of veneers so I never have to worry about the dentist.  

Sometimes I feel like blogging, sponsoring, advertising is like a big game.  And sometimes I want to be a part of it and other times I'm leery of it.  

Sometimes I still feel embarrassed that I have a blog and post pictures of my outfits. 

Update

I usually let posts like this sit in my drafts file for awhile, but I'm ready to process this and do whatever I can to move forward.  

I'm not sure why I always hesitate to write about this on my blog.  

Friends that I have met through talking about this have become one of the greatest blessings from this struggle. 

I guess I fear sounding as if I'm ungrateful for all the good things in my life, or as if this is the worst thing that I could be going through. 

But the truth is - It is hard and painful. Writing about it, finding others who are dealing with it, and receiving encouragement has made it easier. So as cautious as I am sometimes to share, I'm going to keep doing it. 

Right after I wrote this post I found out that I was pregnant.  My blood results were positive, and although still cautious we were thrilled.  We were actually in shock that I could really be pregnant.

Two days later I went in to make sure my numbers were doubling and sadly they had barely gone up.  The day after, I went in again and they started going down, which means that I was having a chemical pregnancy.

Those three days were an emotional roller coaster that I hope to never experience again.

This is the first time I have really felt angry about this whole situation. 

In the past my feelings were primarily sad, scared and tired of the whole thing.

But this time, I felt mad too. 

Mad that God let me feel pregnant for three days. 

Mad that I started planning out my pregnancy, due date, how and when we'd tell people. . . . . . 

Mad that I told my family and a few close friends, only to tell them I wasn't pregnant two days later.

Mad that I had to pay $90 that week just to find out I wasn't pregnant.

Mad that I had to do weeks and weeks of shots and medicine for nothing. 

Mad that Chris and I went out to dinner to celebrate that night. 

Mad that I'm not sure when the time is to take a break from this and when to keep going.

and mad that SO many people were praying for me and that I'm still not pregnant. 

Faith isn't perfect, and mine is far from it.

While it was a struggle, I'm still giving glory to God for I know in my heart His plan is best.

I'm thankful for a God that loves us when we're mad and don't understand His plan.

I'm thankful for a God that loves me even though I feel hurt and confused.

I'm thankful for a God that has blessed me with a family that cares and loves me more than I can understand.

I'm thankful for a God that wraps His arms around me while I wait to feel His peace.

I'm thankful for a God that will never leave me and will continue to draw me near, even more when I am sad and broken.  

All Glory

denim shirt: old navy   skirt: old navy (similiar)   necklace: ebay

I don't think there has been a recent Sunday when there wasn't a worship song that brought tears to my eyes, as they seem to be exactly what I need to hear.
Lately this worship song has been playing over and over in my mind. 

Let your kingdom come, and your will be done

Here on earth as it is in heaven.

And to your renown hear our hearts cry out

singing holy is the Lord.

All glory,

All honor, 

are yours alone forever.

What does giving God all the glory look like?

I have a pretty easy time giving glory to God when good things come. 

When I got my teaching job, when I feel extra blessed by my family, when I think about how much I love my house or how much my marriage has grown this last year. 

But to give God the glory when things don't go the way I want? 

Now that is something I struggle to do, 

but have been learning this year. 

My biggest prayer as we go through another round of fertility treatments is that whatever the outcome is,
 I give the glory to God.  

No doubt that if I get pregnant that will come easily.
The thought of giving glory to God if I'm not pregnant honestly scares me.
Mostly because I have a hard time picturing what that will look like. 

But I I do feel confident that even if I'm not pregnant, although as devastated as I'll be,

 I will be able to give glory to God. 

All glory, 

All honor, 

are yours alone forever. 

call me blessed   on your heart Tuesday

Hello Monday

Hello bird shirt. 

 I am so happy I finally found you and you were only $9. 

 shirt: Target ($9)  shorts: old American Eagle  sandals: Target  bracelets: made by me  
giraffe necklace: gift from friend

Hello braid.  You have become a summer staple. 

Hello giraffe necklace. 

 I couldn't be more excited to wear you many days a week. 

Thanks to one of best friends Rebecca for sending it to me.  I couldn't have felt more loved and cared about when I got it.  God is good to give me a friend like you!
(sorry there isn't a better picture of it.  I linked up a similar one.)

Hello Medieval Times. 

Despite your hefty price we had such a great time celebrating our sweet niece's 6th birthday. 

Hello Hope. 

I got this necklace from my sweet friend Alison who reminded me that I am not alone in my struggle through infertility and to hold on to hope for the future. 

Her friendship has become such a blessing.  

Hello Bachlorette Finale. 

I'm excited to be watching you in Indiana with one of my closest friends, Brittany. 

Hello Giveaway.

Today is the last day to enter to win! 

Hope you all had a great weekend and are ready for a new week!

YOLO Monday
hello Monday 
Monday Mingle

Not yet

 

 skirt and shirt: target  shoes: payless 

Sometimes I feel silly posting outfit pics when I write about serious topics. 

But hey, I still get dressed those days so why not?

I hesitate to write about this again, as I feel as though I could sound like a broken record. 

But I realize that most people deal with the same problem for a long time. 

That, unfortunately, is just life. 

This problem is one that I truly thought we wouldn't have to deal with ever.  Once we started this journey through infertility, I thought we wouldn't have to deal with it long. 

Last week Chris and I found out that we are not pregnant, again.

The last treatment, even with the highest success rate didn't work.

By far, I had the most invested in this last round. 

Physically, emotionally, and mentally I spent all of June doing whatever I could to make this work.  

I felt like that was my whole life for a month and consumed my thoughts all day. 

It's hard to not feel like I wasted a month of my summer.   

I'm quickly reminded again that this is so far out of my control. 

Even out of the doctor's control. 

And that is frustrating. 

Frustrating to know that there nothing I can physically do, to get me pregnant. 

All I can do is pray that God would grant me the desire to have my own baby someday.  

A good friend of mine told me that God placed a strong desire in my heart to be a mother and that He will fulfill it someday. 

Throughout the month of June, on a daily basis my emotions would go from feeling hopeful and excited about the future, to feeling disappointed, sad and hopeless about being a mom someday.
Lately it's hard to not spend most of the day feeling the later.   

I'm getting tired, worn down and scared as I am waiting for my someday.  

But I am thankful that even though this is completely out of my control, that I can trust in a God who knows my heart, my desires and my future.  

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29: 11

 

On your Heart Tuesdays   Cup Half Full

The Real Deal

One day last week this is the outfit that I posted.  

I had every intention of wearing this outfit longer than an hour.  

But after I got home from running one errand I changed right into a tank top and boxer shorts and spent a majority of the day laying in bed, feeling quite miserable.

It was the farthest thing from cute or fashionable.

Honestly, the rest of the day was a pretty bad day, which you would have never known. 

This is how I looked most of the day.

It made me think.  I could be a little tricky on this blog of mine.  I can share my outfit and share my instagram pic of my caramel frappacino and how happy it made me

 (which is true, but only momentarily). 

But I can leave out how really rough my day and week last week were. 

Chris and I are in the middle of our fertility treatment.  

I was at the doctor 7 days out of 10 last week.  

I had my blood drawn each of those days, was giving myself shots every night, dealing with some rough side effects, and am in what feels like an incredibly long waiting game.

Overall that day I felt quite miserable, physically and emotionally. 

I don't think there is anything wrong with sharing just the happy or the good of my life or anyone else's.  That is enjoyable to read.  

I love blogs that are all happy, and blogs that are all real, and ones that are a mix of the both. 

You share what you want to share. 

The lesson more for me is that you have no idea what some people are going through. 

People whose blogs you read, people you see at the store or maybe even some of your friends. 

Which makes me want to have a little more compassion and little more love for others. 

Because I probably have no idea what hard things they are dealing with. 

Plus it makes me feel a little better when I read certain blogs or look at certain instagram feeds.

 I know no one's life is perfect, everyone has their stuff going on and life will always be a mix of good things and hard things, whether people decide to share it or not.

Cup 1/2 Full    On Your Heart Tuesday

I'll be happy when . . . . .

dress: H & M  shoes: target

Sometimes I have thoughts that I need certain things in life to make me truly happy.  

I read this post by Shauna Niequist and it really made me think about what I do so often without really thinking about it.  

I find myself putting so much pressure on certain things, 

that I feel if they happen then my life will be perfect, like . . . 

I'll be happy when I'm get pregnant.  

I'll be happy when Chris gets a job that pays more money and allows him to not travel. 

I'll be happy if I feel more confident in how I look or in my abilities.  

By thinking these things I am saying that God and the place where he has me in life is not enough. 

I think God does put certain desires in our hearts, but I think the problem is when I think I need that answer in order to be happy. 

My happiness and joy should not be resting in these things but in the fact that I have a God that loves me and knows my every need and will fill my life with exactly what I need in His timing.  

I want Him to be enough to make me filled with joy.  

On your Heart Tuesday    Call me Blessed

Life on a Misson

Someday . . . .

 shirt: discovery  pants: express  shoes: target

Someday I will get to celebrate Mother's Day as a mom. 

Someday I will not have to fight the jealousness in my heart as I watch my friends get pregnant and have babies.  

Someday I'll make crafts, projects and buy baby things for my own baby.  

Someday we won't be praying every night for a baby, but will be praying for a baby we have. 

Someday when we talk about what we'll name our babies it will be because we have one on the way.

Someday my strong desire to be a mom will be fulfilled.

Someday this will all just be part of our story. 

. . . and hopefully someday very soon I will be pregnant and we will hold a baby of our own.

In the next few weeks Chris and I will start our next phase to try to get pregnant.
The chances of it being successful are high, as well as our hopes, but I know that God is the one who is ultimately in control of it all. 

I'm feeling nervous and scared to start the process again, 

but excited that this could be the end of our struggle and the start of our family.

I'm daily working to give it up to God and am thankful for his control and comfort in our lives.

On your heart Tuesdays   Life on a Mission

Waiting quietly

 shirt: Old Navy  dress: JCPenny 

Last week was one of the harder weeks I think I've ever had. 

There was a stream of terribly sad news every day for many days straight. 

Chris' grandpa passed away, which meant that Chris and I have lost three grandpas in the last five months. 

I found out that a student of mine's mom lost her battle with cancer last weekend. 

A close friend of mine's dad passed away unexpectantly.

All in one week. 

And on the day of Chris' grandpa's funeral I found out that our last round of fertility treatments was unsuccessful and I am not pregnant.  Our doctor wants us to move ahead to the next phase of fertility treatments, which although it means a higher success rate, it is more intense and it one of the final stages of fertility treatment.  While hopeful, I'm also scared, nervous and overwhelmed.  

After all this news I was struggling to feel hopeful.  I was frustrated and confused why God allows all these things to be happening to us, and those we love around us.  I trust that God has a perfect plan for everything, but was struggling to see it.  How can he allow all these terrible things to be happening at one time?
And for all these people around me to be hurting?

On the night we found out we weren't pregnant, we were exhausted from the days events and I was feeling emotional, frustrated and overwhelmed.  Before I went to bed Chris read me Lamentations chapter 3. 

For the first 18 verses Jeremiah talks about how much pain and affliction he's been through.  

It's this terrible picture of sorrow and abandonment that he felt.  

Through tears from both of us, he read these verses
and I felt hopeful for us and those around us:

I remember my affliction and my wandering, 

the bitterness and the gall. 

I well remember them, 

and my soul is downcast within me. 

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope. 

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, 

for his compassions never fail. 

They are new every morning;

great is your faithfulness. 

I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion;

therefore I will wait for him."

The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, 

to the one who seeks him;

it is good to wait quietly

for the salvation of the Lord. 

Lamentations 3: 19 - 26 

I want to wait quietly and patiently for the Lord. 

and so we will continue to lift up our same prayer requests night after night, 

for I know that my hope is in the Lord and that He is faithful. 

Linking up to:

inspirational blog hop